I Know I Shouldn't
by ProbsNotPerfect
Summary: Hiro Hamada has never been your average teenager. An orphan and a whiz-kid, his life isn't exactly typical. But even he knows what he's feeling now is more than a little unusual. His desire for his older brother is something he's kept a secret. Hiro can't hide it forever. And he's not sure he wants to anyway. One-sided(?) Hidashi.


Hiro nearly twisted his ankle as he dashed out of his chair and towards the bathroom. He'd spent the entire morning working on a new bot and he hadn't left his chair once. Returning to his room, he plopped down and admired his work. It wasn't very aesthetically pleasing, but Hiro could care less about the bots appearance. He actually preferred them to look as unintimidating as possible. His age and short stature alone made people underestimate him. Having a bot that didn't look the least bit threatening would only add to their surprise when he tore his opponent to shreds.

Bot fighters at his age weren't uncommon. However, most other fourteen year olds stuck to school hosted events where there was no betting and the robotics were mediocre at best. He was the only kid his age he'd ever seen at his late night bot fights. Aside from his supreme intelligence, he also assumed they probably had parents who wouldn't allow them anywhere near the fights. Of course, aunt Cass didn't really like it either. But she didn't have too much control over him. He wasn't disobedient or disrespectful. Aunt Cass just didn't understand that his maturity allowed him to do things that others couldn't. At least that's how he saw it anyway.

Satisfied with his new bot, he set it aside and booted up his computer. Arriving at his usual bot fighting site, he spotted about five potential spots he'd be able to test his new bot out at later. Until then, he'd have to find some other way to occupy his time. Hiro began to half-heartedly browse the internet, watching videos that claimed it would be impossible not to laugh. He debated going down to the cafe and talking to his aunt. She was always entertaining, but her constant _suggestions_ of going to the local youth center to make some friends his age were becoming more frequent and annoying. He didn't have anything against other kids his age, but he just couldn't relate to them. His brain and his body didn't quite match up, and it made things difficult sometimes.

However, there was one person he could always talk to. And that person had just walked in the door to their shared room. "Hey Hiro."

Hiro spun around in his chair, startled at his brothers entrance. Luckily he'd still been on a compilation of funny clips and not one of his _other_ selections he watched when no one was around. He watched as Tadashi dropped his bag to the floor and let himself fall backwards onto his bed. Ignoring his older brothers fake snoring, Hiro grabbed his new bot and shoved it in Tadashi's face.

"Check this out."

Tadashi peeked open one eye, then shut it again. "Aren't you getting too old to be playing with action figures?"

Hiro rolled his eyes. "Very funny. Seriously, whaddya think?"

Tadashi sat up and examined the bot. Hiro waited eagerly for his brothers opinion. Tadashi was no expert on bot fighting, but he may have known more about science and inventing than Hiro himself.

Tadashi tossed the bot back to his brother. "Exquisite as usual. Just another example of your talent going to waste."

Hiro's face fell. One thing he didn't like about his brother was his constant insistence that he could be doing "better things" with his intelligence. He gave no response and returned to his desk. Exiting the video, he pulled up his fight site and looked for anything he could go to immediately. He heard Tadashi get up from his bed.

"Hey, I was just kidding. Well…. _kinda._ " He paused for a moment, then crossed the room to examine the bot once again. "Have you been working on this all day?"

"Yep."

"You know, if you came to the labs at the university, you could spend your days making something more productive-"

"I'm not interested in going to your nerd school. You know that."

Tadashi sighed. "Can't blame me for trying." He set the bot back down and turned his focus to Hiro's computer screen. "Don't tell me you're going out to fight already."

Hiro, having just found a perfect location to start his string off fights off early, simply nodded and started grabbing his things.

Tadashi shook his head. "Making a bot in the morning, fighting with bots in the evening. A whole day wasted."

Hiro scoffed. "I make a lot of money at some of these fights you know. How much money have you made at nerd academy?"

"None yet. But one day it'll all pay off."

"Yeah, yeah." Hiro pulled on his sweatshirt and started for the stairs. He almost jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, already anticipating the concerned look on his brother's face.

"Be careful. And call me if you need me." Hiro had to avoid looking Tadashi directly in the eye or else his heart may have burst from his chest. He gave a silent ok before dashing past aunt Cass and out of the cafe.

* * *

Hiro triumphantly marched down the sidewalk towards his home, once again counting his earnings from the night's victories. His new bot had absolutely dominated as expected and he had a wad of cash to show for it. It was a little bit later than he'd planned to be out, but the front door to the cafe was unlocked, so he knew his aunt was still cleaning up. He slipped inside and greeted her at the counter. He told her about his escapades that night (at least all the ones on the good side of town) and she congratulated him on his success. She offered him a donut which he happily accepted before heading upstairs.

The lights were off when he entered his room, but in his excitement he turned them on without a second thought. He immediately regretted this when he saw his once sleeping brother rise from underneath his covers. He rubbed his eyes and Hiro marveled at how his hair managed to stay so perfect even when sleeping. Tadashi gave him a tired grin and glanced at the wad of cash. "I'm guessing everything went according to plan?"

Hiro sat down on Tadashi's bed and once again recounted the details of his night, this time not leaving anything out. It was harder to lie to his older brother, and he trusted him not to rat him out. He tried to ignore the look Tadashi gave him when he told him about fleeing from a group of angry thugs and proceeded to wave the cash in his face. Putting the money in his sock drawer, he placed his new bot on his desk. He'd have to repair the minimal damages in the morning so it'd be ready for another round. There wouldn't be anymore bot fights worth showing up at tonight, so he was content to hit the hay.

As he turned off the lights and climbed into bed, he noticed Tadashi was still watching him. He raised his eyebrows at his older brother, who just smiled again. It was a different smile than before, and Hiro was glad he was only illuminated by the moonlight.

"Despite bot fights being a complete waste of your talent, I'm glad it makes you so happy."

Hiro new his face looked like a car's tail lights, but he kept his voice steady. "Thanks. Goodnight nerd."

"Goodnight, loser." The amount of affection Tadashi could pump into an insult seemed impossible.

Twenty minutes passed, and Hiro was still wide awake. His brother had gone back to sleep almost instantly, and usually he could do the same thing. But his mind was racing, and not in the usual way. Sometimes he felt like his mind was always racing. He wasn't just smart for his age, his brain moved faster, learning and processing more thoughts at once. But this wasn't the same thing. He was dealing with a problem that he couldn't solve with an equation. It was a little more abstract than that.

For starters, Hiro Hamada is gay. And _no_ , that isn't the problem. Hiro has no inner turmoil about whether or not he is or isn't. He knows he is, and he accepts that. Other teenagers his age might struggle with this a little more, but as it's been made clear, Hiro is quite gifted. However, he is still in the closet. And he has a _good_ reason for that. It's not that he is afraid his family won't accept him. In fact, he is almost completely certain that his aunt and his brother would be nothing but delighted if he confessed it to them and completely supportive from there on out. It's just in their nature. He's lucky to have that. None of that stuff is the problem.

The problem is the…. _other_ secret he's keeping.

Now, this _is_ something he struggles with. He knows it isn't natural and could be classified as _wrong._ But trying to supress the way he feels isn't healthy, and he doesn't know how much longer he can do it anyway. What is it he's been suppressing? An attraction. An admiration. A longing. A desire. For what?

 _My older brother._

Hiro sat up in his bed and looked over towards Tadashi's sleeping form. He doesn't remember when it started, but his feelings don't seem to be going away anytime soon. Tadashi being Tadashi isn't helping the situation. Hiro _knows_ that the way he cares for him and worries about him is just him being the overprotective older brother that he _has_ to be, but sometimes it feels like something more. He _knows_ it's just brotherly love, but it's still the strongest connection he's ever had. Tadashi is someone who listens to him and always wants what's best for him. And yes, he _knows_ that's what family is supposed to do. It does nothing to stifle the butterflies in his chest whenever Tadashi get's that concerned look in his eyes.

Something else that doesn't help the situation is the fact that his brother is _very nice_ to look at. At nineteen years old, Tadashi was practically a full grown man. Hiro missed when they were younger and he could lay his head on his brothers chest while they sat on the couch and watched a movie. Now his brothers chest was so strong and toned. He could only feel it in the fleeting moments of a brotherly hug. He felt so warm and safe in his brother's arms, but it never lasted quite as long as he wanted. He couldn't show that, though. He always had to stay alert and make sure he gave no sign of what he was feeling inside.

So why hadn't he told anyone he was gay yet? You'd think at least getting that weight of his shoulders would make it easier, right? _Wrong._ Truthfully, Hiro didn't know if he could look his brother in the eye and say it without spilling everything he was feeling to him. And then what? He couldn't blame his brother for being upset. It wasn't natural. It would ruin their relationship. His life would never be the same again. And yet, Hiro didn't know how much longer he could continue on the way he was now.

He rolled over and finally let his mind rest. Maybe he'd wake up and all his feelings would be gone. Fat chance, and that's not what he really wanted anyway.

 _I'd rather wake up with him next to me._

* * *

 **Thank you for reading**

 **Next chapter coming soon**

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